also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
