fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
