she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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