Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
me + whiskey = a bad person
I need to calm my uterus...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
