i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
