WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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