I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize