you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
