I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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