Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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