That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
