hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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