He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
