Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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