i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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