We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
