New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
