i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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