I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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