I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
