in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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