i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
