Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
