Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
