Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
