Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We don't watch enough power rangers
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.