his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
