u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
