Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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