The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
