the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
