I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
