Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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