i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
