Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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