lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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