part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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