I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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