Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
