It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
