Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
