She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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