Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
