Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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