you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
this will be a night to untag.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
