I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
