i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
