Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
