I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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