The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
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I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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