I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
