I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
