First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
