nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
