The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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