Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
