I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
