if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
