i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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